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Active Member

"Hello, is this the RCMP. How may I help you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He's hiding drugs inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the RCMP SWAT team officers descended on Mike's
house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.
Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no drugs.

They swore at Mike, he swore at them, and then they left. The
next day, the phone rang at Mike's house...

"Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come to your house?"


"Did they chop your firewood?"


"Happy Birthday buddy."


An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m., the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinnie


Active Member
Mod. Feel free to delete this if you feel I crossed the line

Once upon a time there was a man who loved chili.

Unfortunately, it had a terrible and predictable effect on him but as a bachelor who lived alone he didn't have to worry about offending anyone.

One day he met a lovely girl and fell madly in love. They became engaged but as the day of the wedding approached he thought to himself, 'she's such a sweet, innocent, girl. She'll never go for this carrying on,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up chili.

After a couple of years of marriage the man was driving home from work one summer day when his car broke down. He telephoned his wife who offered to pick him up but as he was only a couple of miles from home and it was such a beautiful day he decided to walk the distance.

"Do hurry," she declared," I have a most wonderful birthday surprise for you." He promised to be prompt and started off.

After a few minutes he passed in front of a cafe and from the front doorway he could smell the aroma of food. Suddenly, he realized he was very hungry and he saw a sign in the window saying, "World's best chili, today's special $3.00 per bowl." He couldn't control himself and before he left he had eaten three heaping bowls of chili.

As he walked home he figured he would work off any ill effects and sure enough he soon began putt-putting as he walked.

After a half an hour he came to his house and, after making sure he had putt-putted his last, went in the front door.

His wife rushed to the door, "Oh, darling, I have such a surprise for you", she said. She then wrapped a blindfold around his head and led him by the hand to the dining room table. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold the telephone rang. After making him promise not to peek his wife went to answer the call.

Waiting patiently, he began to feel a most uncomfortable stirring. Leaning to one side he let out a tremendous fart.

"Holy," he muttered to himself,"that's bad!"

A few moments later again the rumbling from down below became acute. Listening to make sure his wife was still talking on the phone he shifted his weight to the other cheek and let another one go. This one was not only as loud as the first but as bad as rotten eggs.

"Whew!", he chuckled to himself.

This continued for another ten minutes until he could hear his wife's conversation drawing to a close and signalling the end of his freedom.

He groped around in front of him for a napkin and madly fanned the air in front of him until it seemed to return to normal. Whereupon he folded the napkin back up and placed his hands in his lap, As his wife reentered the room his face was a picture of innocence.

She asked,"you didn't peek did you?"

Of course he assured her he hadn't.

She then stood behind him and, with a flourish, took off the blindfold and there was his surprise.

Twelve dinner guests dressed for a happy birthday party.


House Mother, Cheerleader
Cure for Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put
into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put
into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into
a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into
a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -

The second worm in cigarette smoke -
Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup -
Dead .

Fourth worm in good clean soil -

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

(Claudia), sitting in the back,
quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink,

smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"


New Member
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy looked straight into the
eyes of the pharmacist and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist
asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got
big and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in Jail! All kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed
with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you
had a prescription."
At a religous televison network where I worked we were taping a sermon on hell. The director gave the countdown to cue the technical director to go from the opening tape to the first picture.

5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 Go to Hell.

(This really happened)

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