No room for a layout----venting

[diablo]

I spent all my life accumulating N scale train stuff so when I retire I can build my layout and not have to spend any money on the stuff. Well, I have it, but my wife of 35 years listened to her sisters and mother, they don't like men in their lives, so she followed their advice and left. I lost my basement, and my home which I had built myself on the land of my inheritance.
After a while I got lonesome and remarried, moved in with the new wife, and she owns two homes and I can't have a place for a darn layout. One home was her parents, who are no longer with us, both four bedrooms. Man is this a darn mess. I had a 4x8 layout in one room in my basement and a frrom sized layout in a second 15x15 room under construction and now I have only a 2x4 footer and she wants it out of the house. Seems I should've remained single.

 

[flyboy2610]

Her resistance to you having even one room for a layout is a symptom, it's not the disease. Get some marriage counseling. If she won't go, go by yourself. Good luck!

 

[Trussrod]

Say Brian,
Your first situation of the home and land most certainly seems as though that rightly would have stayed in your name especially if it was yours prior to the marriage. I'm not sure what the laws are in Az if that's where you were located but property owned prior should always remain in the original owners name. Now if by chance you signed a poortion of it over to her that might be a different story but you might always to be able to claim cohersion on her part?

The situations you describe seem to involve women who are over bearing and demanding and have little concern for your happiness and well being. If it was all cut and dried from their strandpoint with no consideration for you I believe one thing you could claim is failure to barter by them being unreasonably demanding and selfish!

I stay single for just those reasons. You might do some legal research and find out more about the subject. Reading some similiar cases will give you a pretty good idea of what can be done. Speak of that I guess I need to do the same involving my situation also.

Best of luck and hope this offers some help?

 

[Will_annand]

Hmmm, train layout or a wife....

I bet you will occasionally miss her.

 

[West Virginia Midland Man]

I spent all my life accumulating N scale train stuff so when I retire I can build my layout and not have to spend any money on the stuff. Well, I have it, but my wife of 35 years listened to her sisters and mother, they don't like men in their lives, so she followed their advice and left. I lost my basement, and my home which I had built myself on the land of my inheritance.
After a while I got lonesome and remarried, moved in with the new wife, and she owns two homes and I can't have a place for a darn layout. One home was her parents, who are no longer with us, both four bedrooms. Man is this a darn mess. I had a 4x8 layout in one room in my basement and a frrom sized layout in a second 15x15 room under construction and now I have only a 2x4 footer and she wants it out of the house. Seems I should've remained single.

Well, I would've sued the first wife's mother and sisters for alienation of affection. Then I'd have had a house big enough to build whatever I bloody liked.

As for #2, I'd tell her that you're a grown man and if you want a layout, you'll have a layout. If she doesn't like it, well too bad.

 

[Rico]

I have to ask, does she have any hobbies or interests?
I'm guessing not?
Best o' luck to you tho!

 

[tankist]

this sounds very sad. as flyboy said, it looks like the problem is not the lack of space really.
it is not my place to give you advices but nevertheless - best of luck to you

 

[Airslide]

man thats tough. i agree with flyboy since i cant, in good conscience, tell you to split -counseling may be in order. I personally believe passion and happines (if its legal and safe) are two things that should not have to be comprimised for a partner - that defeats the purpose of partnership all together. forgive me for oversimplifying it, but in my mind it is really that simple. a hobby like this is truly not a lot to ask. best of luck to you both.

 

[Gary B]

Brian - I'm going thru a rough patch with my Mrs. of 33 years right now. One day it's great and one day oh-oh! I've staked my claim to a corner of our rather large basement when our boys were small, so that made it OK. Now she complains about the time and money I spend on it. I figure if I dump her I would just be poorer then end up the same again. Sounds like you did. I don't think we can win just try to break even. Good luck!

 

[nephthyr]

All I can say is wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles, my deepest sympathies. I have made up my mind long ago not to get married. I dont have anything against marraige or happily married people, its just not for me, I'm just too independent and need my space (not just layout space )

 

[tomustang]

and now I have only a 2x4 footer and she wants it out of the house.

Didn't she know of your train hobby before you decided to marry you?

 

[Trussrod]

Brian & Nepephthyr,
As has been suggested counseling might help resolve the situation but both of you need to desire and want to do this. Both individuals need to be willing to take a serious look at themselves and determine just how each might be contributing to what is happening?
I'm not trying to point a finger at any one but it does take two for these things to happen. If either party is unwilling to look at their own actions and be responsible for them counseling is a waist of time and money but maybe at least give it a couple of tries to see what happens.

Somethings you both might want to also consider is the change of life factor in your wives and how that might be affecting them psyologically or other things like possibly their being Diabetic and unaware of it can also cause mood swings or possibly they have other medical or unresolved issues that are weighing heavy on their mind?

I'm just throwing these things out as food for thought so I hope if offers some help.

Best to you both.

 

[Selector]

This is an unhappy development, but maybe your realization of what makes it all an unpleasant reality was a long time coming? What does your current girlfriend do with her time? Is she a social butterfly? Does she keep you around for her convenience? She owns more, or makes more than you do? She calls the shots, spends your money, but not her own? What's going on?

If you can't reason with her that you would like to have an area for relaxation and creative activities, then you have a decision to make....her way or the highway. And she won't be moving out, unless you have been cohabiting for some time and state laws cover common law relationships longer than six months or a year, as they do in Canada.

I don't know you, but maybe you need to find a way to be more assertive without sounding needy, whiny, a jerk, anti-social....I mean, what does she see in you, or not see, that makes her adamant and rigid about the subject? Are you often off by yourself, not interacting with her? Is that why she brought you into her space?

Try to get some meaningful dialogue going, ask her if she would feel better with some 'deliverables', or a defined limit agreed to about how much time, and how much space you would need. She may fear the noise, dust, dirt, smells, or having to move around the thing.

You need some understanding...about her, and about your bottom line. If you are prepared to do without, then it is moot. If you are really vexed by this, you have options, surely. Maybe get your own place.

-Crandell

 

[UP2CSX]

Her resistance to you having even one room for a layout is a symptom, it's not the disease. Get some marriage counseling. If she won't go, go by yourself. Good luck!

Best advice you'll get. You can only change one person - you. Even if this relationship doesn't get better, you might be able to find out why you keep making these bad choices.

 

[Trussrod]

The crux of any situation involving counseling or therapy in a relationship situation, is that the individuals both must desire to better their situation and be receptive to changing their thinking and behavior in an agreed way, between the two of you, or it won't happen. Interpersonal relationships can be pretty complex and need a grounded base of one type or anther that is mutually beneficial to both of you.

Brian & Thy,
While we don't really know either of you other than here on the forum, and this is not necessarly the place spread your inner feelings out and I'm not suggesting that you do. But what I'm saying is if the change is all one sided, another words your the one expected to do all the changing to suit your wives, it's generally not very healthy for one person to do all the giving and the scenerio you related certainly didn't seem to be unreasonable, indeed neither of you would even bring the situation up if you weren't troubled by your wives actions and that in and of itself shows concern and compassion to at least try and understand why things are happening as they are?

A one sided relationship is never going to turn into mutual harmony and may only tend to get worse. Often, the more dorminate individual is actually frustrated about something or a variety of things and reaching out by being overly agressive etc. trying to get help as they don't know how to ask for it or are too ashamed of their own actions to admit it. Again, though, if they are closed minded and shut themselves off and unwilling to talk about their situation it's fighting a loosing battle. Kind of like a drug user who is unwilling to accept any help as he is unwilling to look at his own situation objectively and better himself/herself. No Body changes unless they desire to do so and they must also see the need to do in most cases or it won't happen.

There's a saying in psychology that for some, if not many, they have to hit bottom and realize it's change or die before they see the light make the decission to change, this is especially true in alcholics or other obsessions.

It's a very threatening thing for an individual to openly admit, especially to themselves, they have things about themselves and their thinking or behaving that they don't really like! When a person does this it's the start to the beginning of change within the individual if they keep objectively taking a look at themselves as a reality check. With out any admitance or taking responsibility for ones actions a brick wall is every bit as receptive.

Take head and don't feel you need to shoulder the total burden, it takes two working to gether and pulling as a team rather than one doing all the leading and decision making.

Kindly forgive my wordyness.

 

[ChevelleSSguy]

Marriage is 50/50. It baffles me how some wives forget that. There are husbands out there that are the same way too.

They say if momma aint happy nobodys happy. Well if one spouse isnt happy then nobody is happy. That to me is a two way street.

 

[latenttrainfan]

makes me very happy I chose to live on my own all my life.

I'm the boss, but I have to be responsible enough to care for all the animals. I have SPACE for a lay-out, just not quite enough time or money for one.

hope you two can work things out.

 

[Beachbum]

My personal views on marriage would make me sound like a smart*ss, so I'll not say anything.

You do have my sympathy, Brother. I'm lucky in that my current significant other wants to build an N-scale layout with me. She's insisting on a Pennsy steamer though and I model contemporary...

 

[vato loco]

I spent all my life accumulating N scale train stuff so when I retire I can build my layout and not have to spend any money on the stuff. Well, I have it, but my wife of 35 years listened to her sisters and mother, they don't like men in their lives, so she followed their advice and left. I lost my basement, and my home which I had built myself on the land of my inheritance.
After a while I got lonesome and remarried, moved in with the new wife, and she owns two homes and I can't have a place for a darn layout. One home was her parents, who are no longer with us, both four bedrooms. Man is this a darn mess. I had a 4x8 layout in one room in my basement and a frrom sized layout in a second 15x15 room under construction and now I have only a 2x4 footer and she wants it out of the house. Seems I should've remained single.

Tell wife #2..."Fine, No Trains then! I'll start collecting guns and take up target practice every evening, finish it off by getting drunk at the local bar and then come home to you!!" Then go by a Gun, local maps, twelve Pack and a Shovel, then show her your new toys!

 

[SavageHunter]

If you have some space on your property, you could always look into buying a portable building. I purchased one (10 x 16) to use for a shop and It works great. Pour a slab, set the building on top, run the electricity and your good to go. You could have a pretty nice train room in one weekend.