32 Reasons to Smile


Maytag "Danged Agitator"
Subject: 32 reasons to smile

1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

11. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.

12. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

13. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine

14. God must love stupid people; he made so many.

15. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

16. It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

17. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

18. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

19. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup crew.

20. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.

21. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

22. Procrastinate Now! (I do this well)

23. My dog can lick anyone!

24. I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?

25. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.*****

26. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

27. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

28. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

29. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

30. A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.

31. HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

32. The trouble with life is there's no background music
33. They tell me I'm nobody. They also tell me nobody's perfect.

34. If a "fly" couldn't fly, would it be called a "walk"?

35. I didn't lose my mind--I sold it on eBay.

36. Posted on my math teacher's wall--"My bald spot at the center of the universe"

37. Products that put a company out of business-
1. submarine screen-door
2. dehydrated water

38. On a fireworks product shaped like a birthday cake I found the following labels- Warning. For outdoor use only. Music not included. Safe for indoor use.
From http://www.digging4truth.org/Humor_one-liners.htm -

39. People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

40. To make a long story short, don't tell it.

41. If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.

42. Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

43. Forbidden fruits create many jams.

44. The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given