The story so far

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grande man

Bonafied Grande Nut
Rex, you sure this isn't one of CJ's?

One day I ran my new BLI E8, and the next thing I knew, the rotten cat had become lodged in a tunnel with the E8 headed straight for her. Kitty whiskers on my E8 wouldn't be good, so I blew the whistle, and the dog came running into the room and knocked the throttle out of my hand, pinning the E8 wide open as it hit the floor. About that time, the dog saw the cat, and the cat saw that the dog SAW her and whizzed me a new river as she wiggled free of the tunnel! The dog chased after her, making asteroid holes! Now that end of the layout looks like a moonscape. Unfortunately, that's not the worst of it. My cat-pee river has stained my E8 so now the cat lives in the barn... I'm going to use that "as seen on TV" Urine Gone. Hopefully the river won't go away too. It has given me a new idea to model a 40 foot tall fence...

Suddenly, my nudist neighbor burst in yelling something about an impending cold front! So I grabbed my camera, except I noticed at the last second, that the pee stained BLI loco had entered the turntable approach, full speed! As I stepped toward the engine I kicked the throttle, into the kitty litter! Which reminds me why the cat was there in the first place. Reaching into the litterbox for the throttle, I watched the speeding BLI inch closer to the turntable. Suddenly, the turntable, which is DCC controlled, went into a wild spin firing the E8 halfway across the room and into the hands of my son [who happened to be an outfielder for the local Minor League team]! Whew! What a save.

Now, what to do about the nudist neighbor who is mysteriously covered in kitty litter!! At 400 lbs, dislodging him would be no easy task. And as we all know, honey and kitty litter is not a good mix for ballasting tunnels. Since the radio weather man was covering the cold front, nudie began to call the police about this wierd, warm puddle coming out of his neigbours garage. Was the engine leaking diesel fuel? No, the freezer has stopped and it's defrosted all the grape popsickles. So, when the police arrived, they noticed a fanatical kitty-litter trail leading toward a naked 400 lb man on his hands and knees sluping grape surup from the floor, making a totally bizzarre sound, like a bumblebee with hicups, doing push-ups! But in reality, it was a RDC in UP paint with a legion of UP, thus leaving both police officers laughing hystericaly wishing they could be operating their model railroad instead of watching the "far side" of the hobby.

The BLI engine was carefully replaced on the track when, at that very moment, one of the police officers burst in and annouced he needed to bring it with him to headquarters as "evidence". Now I'm a law abidding man, but taking my BLI was just something that wasn't going to happen without just compensation. So I rang the police station, and the chief offered me an MTH K4 as a replacement for the little tirade I was throwing. Still, while they weren't looking, I was able to swap an Athearn BB for the BLI, as I didn't want the BLI engine to disappear in a five-finger discount and turn up later on e-bay as "custom" weathered UP garbage that might bring down the wrath of Corporate bottom feeding, blood sucking Lawyers. But I don't want to mince words about my feelings, as I am in a terrible mood after disciplining the cat for not scratching the police mans leg, acting like a homicidal psycho jungle cat and for whizzing on the BLI E8. I opened a fresh can of "P-B-Gon" to, but I discovered it wasn't so fresh after all, so I decided to use Cheese Whizz remover instead on the tainted ballast, thinking to myself, "This is what I get for using kitty litter as ballast!" But then I realized, I could get the Bama gang over on a work session to re build the layout in Z scale so Kitty couldn't get in the tunnel. But the more I thought about it, those guys spend more time yappin than working. So as a 'Plan B', I went online, did a Google search, and... Oh My, Oh My?!? What am I thinking? This kitty litter would also make a GREAT load for my hopper cars! With the cat banished to the barn, that shouldn't be hard to do, so I called out to my wife, who was in the middle of watching her beloved 400 lb naked neighbour singing sea shanties while taking a bath in the swimming pool in the backyard with a HO scale NYC tugboatthat looked awfully familiar...! It suddenly dawned on me, sack of kitty litter would suck the pool dry and I could build the entire UP in Z scale! But, that's alot of tiny track to put down while wearing High heals and a pink tutu, black fishnets and a wedding vale. So I said to myself, Do I look fat in this tutu? Then it hit me, i could make 10,000 Z scale miles of fencing from the wedding vale to encircle the UP layout. So I began by doing the following, gluing together some vales, to make the fence, and painting them with a silver spray bomb can I found under a stack of Model Railroader issues from the 1950's. I then proceded to notice an article on scratch building a 4-4-0 steamer. But wait, that won't work with a Z scale swimming pool pike anyway. So I'll put the water back and do a float job from one side to the other pretending it's the Mississippi river. Then came the task of planning a bridge to span the river, so I grabbed a pad of paper and a pencil, minus the lead point, and took some Viagara to put lead in my pencil. Then I grabbed a paint brush until I remembered the many government warnings about lead poisoning from eating the paint. I sighed and desided not to eat the paint. I soon realized that my Big Boy was burning its pistons off as it flew around the layout. I reached for the throttle and just then i fell out of bed and woke up to find the wife, asking me if I really wanted a Climax, and offered me some.........................................................coffee. Then I started talking about BLI equipment, I was suprised she listened. To my suprise, she asked if I wanted to go to the LHS! Of course I said yes, because I wanted a BLI N&W Class A 2-6-6-to go with the Class J and 2-8-8-2 I already have. Cause ya can't have to many BLIs. She really admired a green BLI Southern light Mikado that matched her eyes, pics of it would look great beside her wedding day photos! So i braced myself and asked her if i could extend the layout right through the house into the,,,garden, but then I heard a scream and found that the dog and cat were chasing each other again on the layout! My red headed, green-eyed beauty grabbed a broom and swung it at the dog, narrowly missing him and teeing my beautiful scratch built water tower through the doggy door into the backyard! The cat, however, went into the Locomotive/ Rolling stock room of my house and had caught a Cabeese in it's mouth and a climax in it's claws as they were being re staged for the next operating session but the cat became more interested with the wires I had laying around. Little did she know they were plugged in and the cat blew up, shorting out the main line bringing the whistling Big boy to a halt on the drop down section that has to be open for my spouse to reach the washer & dryer. Luckily, the big boy stopped just in time, I went to my cat that was now scorched and smoking like a lump of spent coal. While looking at the cat, I had the weirdest idea. You know those chinese and their food habits? Mmmm, just then i spotted Mr One Hung lo with his well oil'd wok peeking through the door of his westwaunt. Holding up the cat by it's tail, I yelled "you buy one dolla?" He agreed and took the cat off my hands. I just hope I don't end up eating it when I order Chicken teriaki & fried rice for the next NASCAR Race. Because everyone knows, it would be a cat-astrophe to eat your own cat. After all this, I decided it was time to search on ebay for some new locos. Hoping I can find a new Brass unit for under $150... While searching e-bay, I became worried about my cat because I've eaten sweet and sour, uh, pork a few times in the past. I dropped the entire idea of me eating my cat and started doing Sea Shanties again while taking a bath in my neigbours,,, toilet bowl, which would be enough bathing until next spring. However, in the toilet bowl there was a cat to my suprise it was alive and bit me right in the hallway when it ran out of the bathroom on it's way to the layout, where it began to knaw on my HO scale Brass DDA40X and I snaged the DDA40X and took a swing at the cat, but ended up punching a friend in the head as he stood up after slipping on a wet spot left by the 400 lb. nudist neighbor's trip on a bottle of grimy black weathering powder and PVA mixture which he was going to put on the top of his head to replace the lost hair from going bald, but then remembered his new Overland engine running unsupervised on his layout. As he ran in to the layout room, to his horror, he saw that the engine had run full throttle into the jam packed west end yard and hit a caboose launching the poor conductor figure into the extractor fan in the wall which ground him up faster than a frog in a blender! Then, all the bit's landed on the ARG's BBQ next door causing quite a fireball, roasting the marshmallows that were supposed to be for AFTER dark. Fire Marshal Bill had seen the huge fireball and came running over with a Pressure Washer trying to put out the fire. Right then, the power went out so no more pressure washer unless. So we all just went ahead, roasted the marsh mellows and hoped that
 
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PNKFLOYD

Mikey
grande man said:
Glad ya'll are having fun. Maybe we should do this once a month...
Grande Man- at the present rate, the story may not be finished for a month!:eek:
 
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grande man

Bonafied Grande Nut
RexHea said:
It is nearing CJ's tale about him in the middle of "at least" 10,000 aligators.
:D :D :D :D
And keeps getting better...:D This one may just surpass some of CJ's, lesser tales. :D
 

grande man

Bonafied Grande Nut
Hi all. I went ahead and pinned this thread and updated the story. Ya'll keep posting to the story and if anyone sees a spot to end it, that's cool. Maybe we can start a monthly tradition type story post. That would be fun. :cool:
 




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