RR Jokes

[Trussrod]

For a bit of diversion!
Some RR Jokes, post any, Freshly Scrubbed Ones, you've heard!

Here's a few to start:


D: Front air hose almost needs replacement.
S: Front air hose almost replaced;

D: Something loose in cab
S: Something tightened in cab;

D: Evidence of oil leak
S: Evidence removed;

D: Alerter volume unbelievably loud
S: Alerter volume set to more believable level;

D: Suspected crack in #1 axle R-side brake shoe
S: Suspect you're right;

D: Engine missing
S: Engine found after brief search in engine compartment;

D: Radio constantly hums
S: Changed radio to channel with lyrics;

D: Sanders won't turn off
S: Charged sanders with Level-5 insubordination;

D: Hint of flat spots #3 axle
S: Hint of repair #3 axle;

D: Bell only works occasionally
S: Bell only repaired occasionally;

D: Horn is really loud
S: Closed all windows;

D: Cannot depress independent brake valve
S: Replaced cheerful brake valve with depressed brake valve;

D: Gauge light burned out
S: Gauge light placed on vacation;

D: Windshield wipers won't work
S: Windshield wipers given stern warning;

D: Lots of smoke coming out the stack
S: That's where it's supposed to come out;

D: Think the amp gauge is off
S: Think it's on;

D: Wheel slip light keeps coming on
S: Turned wheel slip light function off;

D: Horrible smell coming from toilet
S: Flushed toilet - opened window;

and my favorite -
D: Engine acting funny
S: Engine warned to straighten up and act serious!

 

[SpaceMouse]

moved mine over--I think it's the only one I know.

Two model railroaders died and were standing in line outside the Pearly Gates. A grumpy looking man in a frayed suit and a clipboard walked to the head of the line and the gates opened automatically and let him in.

"Who was that?" asked the first modeler.

"That was God," replied the second modeler. " He thinks he's a dispatcher."

 

[Mingo Assist]

A engineer and his wife went to the doctor for her weekly pregnancy checkup when the doctor told her "get in the same position you were during conception" she replied " Do I have to get back on the locomotives steps.....

 

[Secondhandmodeler]

An elderly lady walked into a Toronto ticket office and asked for a ticket to New York. " Do you want to go by Buffalo?" inquired the ticket agent. "Certainly not!" she answered indignantly, " I want to go by TRAIN!"

 

[Trussrod]

Copied off another joke site:

Oldest railroad joke I know:

"Conductor, why have we stopped?"

"There are some cows on the track."

10 minutes later:

"Conductor, why have we stopped this time?"

"We caught up with them cows again."

(From On a Slow Train Through Arkansas, Thos. W jackson, late 1800s?)

 

[Trussrod]

If John Allen had ever made a full length movie what might it have been called?

Death of a Diesel Salesman.

(John had a scene on his famous Gorre & Daphetid featuring a lynched diesel salesman)

 

[modelbob]

Amtrak has been experimenting with trains that operate faster than the speed of sound. The trains looked like they were going to work well, and be quite popular with the passengers.

Unfortunately the experiments have been cancelled due to some tragic side effects, apparently motorists at the crossing would first get hit by the train, then hear the whistle blow.

 

[Trussrod]

Ole and Lars on their first train ride
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No, " replied Lars.

"Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"

 

[Trussrod]

Ticket, Please!
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.

On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.