HOTRODDERS TOOLS
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate really expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and jackets
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die
of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line
that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your
garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the
bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they
are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the
last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out
of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering
it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard earned guitar calluses in about
the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed
your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward off a hydraulic
jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing Douglas Fir wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise;
used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times
harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of
ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery
to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
suspected.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under a car or motorcycle
at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same
rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the
Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
